I am slowly, but surely, moving towards my new normal. There is no looking back.
I started working a few weeks back. At first feeling confused, overwhelmed and utterly useless. This week I feel like a part of the puzzel. I have something to bring to the table. My presence is appriciated. I’m finding my bearings.
I work with people who know me well and wish me well. I just need to give myself time. Cut me some slack.
I have been to my oncologist for the one year checkup (They count one year from diagnosis), now got my bloodwork results back = all is well. I was however totally unprepared for the emotional impact getting back to the hospital had on me. The smell. Chemobags. Tears. New patients with fearful faces. Old patients with fighter faces. Death lurking around every corner. Full of empathy for them. Full of gratitude I made it.
Next step is getting my body scanned (bone density) and my mammogram. Also more bloodwork, urin and stool samples. November is filled with doctor appointments.
Physically I am making good progress. Still doing my stretching and morning mini walks. I started back at my gym (Bare Trening, Haugerud) this week. Worked out Monday and Wednesday. Even gave the treadmill a go. My knees are the ones giving me most trouble and most pain. I still managed to do 1.55 km in 16 minutes. Last time (some months ago) I walked for 400 meters and had to get off the treadmill because of the pain. Huge improvement.
Mentally I am struggeling more. I find it hard to focus . My forgetfullness drives my crazy at times. On “bad” days I can’t remember what I had for dinner or my childrens birthdates. All sort of multitasking is but a fading memory. I “space out” without any warning and get easily very exhausted. Names – places – who – what – where….. I make no promesis now. Not to anyone, especially not to myself.
But on good days I shine. Like today. I can effortlessly follow and participate in a conversation. I can be useful, productive and helpful. An uplifter. Maybe even an inspiration.
When the next bad day comes knocking on my door, I just have tell myself in the words of Liz Taylor: Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together 💋
I am a work in progress with moments of feeling like a masterpiece…..